I got a massage today… which was very much needed. 

I also ended up signing up for their EFT Member Program so I’ll now be getting monthly massages and probably more because of discounts and promotions and things :O

Yay self care!!

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

posted 2 days ago
39 notes / reblog
That awkward moment when you realize you’ve forgotten how to twirl noodles because your eating disorder has been in control for so long…

I dunno what’s going on but I’ve been wearing not only less makeup this week… but NO makeup!!

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

I REALLY hate when I call to make a doctors appointment for something that’s extremely uncomfortable and been driving my insane and the first available appointment is in a month -_-

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

How about everyone just says NOTHING about anyone else’s weight.

  • Don’t ask if they’ve lost weight. 
  • Don’t ask if they’ve fucking gained weight. 
  • Don’t ask what they weigh. 
  • Don’t ask if they weigh X pounds. 
  • Don’t say you’re sure that it’s “muscle weight”. 

Don’t say anything!!

Just don’t fucking comment on someone’s weight. EVER.

Do. Not.

Who the fuck says that?!? Just fucking shut your stupid fucking mouth.

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

I feel like it’s a pretty bad thing when every time I change to a different bag I find hidden diet pills and laxatives somewhere in them… literally, every time.

At the same time though, maybe it’s almost good because it gives me some insight into how bad things really were for me. Even looking back to some of my lowest points I can’t always see how severe things were… but this kind of puts it a little more into perspective.

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

posted 1 week ago
157 notes / reblog

I am hoping.. sometime in the near future.. to have a good day. Or at least decent at this rate.

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

I almost ate brown rice with dinner… and then I started to panic and made quinoa instead…

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

posted 2 weeks ago
360 notes / reblog
Kind of only posting this because I know Dan really doesn’t come on here… but if you were wondering what kind of stuff makes me cry, this is it.

Heads up: I’m gonna be away this week. Maybe 2-3 days. I don’t even know which days yet. I’m waiting to find out. I should know sometime this afternoon. But just so you know and it doesn’t seem like I disappeared or something happened to me.

Anonymous said: Didn't you say at some point that you had a really bad experience at somewhere you went for treatment because of the way they treated you?

When I went to outpatient at the local hospital. Yeah, that was shit. I was traumatized for years… it’s why I refused to even see a therapist for so long. I had dropped out of the program literally the day I turned 18.

The nutritionist was the worst. She would turn everything against me, invalidate everything I was saying… it was bad. To this day I have serious issues with feeling invalidated. If someone cuts me off when I’m talking I completely shut down. I’ve gotten a little better. My brother actually does it to me all the time. The last time it happened, my dad sort of noticed. He stopped my brother about 3 times to give me room to talk. I was really trying not to shut down. After the third time, I did. My dad managed to get what I was going to say out of me though. 

I’ve actually regressed since that experience because of my issues with validation. I’m like a little kid in some ways. Like, when they show you something and need it to be acknowledged or accepted… I’m the same way. If I show someone something, I want them to really see it. I need some sort of reaction (any reaction) to know that they’ve seen what I’m showing them.

Another huge part of the program is that they didn’t prepare me for the physical things my body was going to go through. I had no idea about bloating. No idea it was temporary. I relapsed. Bad. They forced me to gain more weight than I was ready for too quickly and with very little (almost no) real psychological support.

Then, even at a restored weight, they didn’t give my body time to adjust and get my period back. Instead of waiting for it to come back naturally, they tried to get me to gain more weight. Once they realized that wasn’t working they still didn’t want to give my body time to get it back on it’s own and wanted to make sure I had it before leaving for college. They made me take medroxyprogesterone to force my body to get my period before naturally ready. Because of that, I now have some serious health complications when I get my period. I get sick, I pass out (like, legit, I hit the floor), and I end up having to call out of work because of it. I’m in extreme pain. Really, I can’t function when I get my period. It gets really bad.

My body has been permanently damaged because no one would listen to anything I had to say. No one cared about my opinion or feelings at all.