I am hoping.. sometime in the near future.. to have a good day. Or at least decent at this rate.

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

I almost ate brown rice with dinner… and then I started to panic and made quinoa instead…

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

posted 1 week ago
203 notes / reblog
Kind of only posting this because I know Dan really doesn’t come on here… but if you were wondering what kind of stuff makes me cry, this is it.

Heads up: I’m gonna be away this week. Maybe 2-3 days. I don’t even know which days yet. I’m waiting to find out. I should know sometime this afternoon. But just so you know and it doesn’t seem like I disappeared or something happened to me.

Anonymous said: Didn't you say at some point that you had a really bad experience at somewhere you went for treatment because of the way they treated you?

When I went to outpatient at the local hospital. Yeah, that was shit. I was traumatized for years… it’s why I refused to even see a therapist for so long. I had dropped out of the program literally the day I turned 18.

The nutritionist was the worst. She would turn everything against me, invalidate everything I was saying… it was bad. To this day I have serious issues with feeling invalidated. If someone cuts me off when I’m talking I completely shut down. I’ve gotten a little better. My brother actually does it to me all the time. The last time it happened, my dad sort of noticed. He stopped my brother about 3 times to give me room to talk. I was really trying not to shut down. After the third time, I did. My dad managed to get what I was going to say out of me though. 

I’ve actually regressed since that experience because of my issues with validation. I’m like a little kid in some ways. Like, when they show you something and need it to be acknowledged or accepted… I’m the same way. If I show someone something, I want them to really see it. I need some sort of reaction (any reaction) to know that they’ve seen what I’m showing them.

Another huge part of the program is that they didn’t prepare me for the physical things my body was going to go through. I had no idea about bloating. No idea it was temporary. I relapsed. Bad. They forced me to gain more weight than I was ready for too quickly and with very little (almost no) real psychological support.

Then, even at a restored weight, they didn’t give my body time to adjust and get my period back. Instead of waiting for it to come back naturally, they tried to get me to gain more weight. Once they realized that wasn’t working they still didn’t want to give my body time to get it back on it’s own and wanted to make sure I had it before leaving for college. They made me take medroxyprogesterone to force my body to get my period before naturally ready. Because of that, I now have some serious health complications when I get my period. I get sick, I pass out (like, legit, I hit the floor), and I end up having to call out of work because of it. I’m in extreme pain. Really, I can’t function when I get my period. It gets really bad.

My body has been permanently damaged because no one would listen to anything I had to say. No one cared about my opinion or feelings at all.

posted 1 week ago
212 notes / reblog
Sometimes Dan will be working all day (like last night) and then when he gets out he looks at his phone to see 101 texts (not exaggerating) from me bitching and complaining and totally freaking out.
This is his initial response from last night. So, to anyone having a difficult time eating right now… here’s a little reminder from Dan. 

I really should pull out my recovery binder but I don’t have the motivation to right now…

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

Oh yeah, so I was so damn upset after therapy yesterday that I never even mentioned this but my therapist wants me to try this new thing to improve body image.

Basically I stand in front of a three tier mirror and describe myself head to toe then toe to head for 20-30 minutes using “neutral” descriptive words…

We do this for a few sessions, each time where something that I feel less comfortable in… eventually getting down to something like a bathing suit.

In addition, she wants me to keep a “body checking diary”…

So yeah, there’s that…

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)

Debating if I should go to the gym at 5:30am or 9pm…

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nap now. shower later.

probably bringing my laptop to work tonight to work on some more of that defensive driving course -_-

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Back to defensive driving… really don’t want my license suspended since I need it to work -_-

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Just spent the last hour reading articles about bipolar disorder and pregnancy as well as eating disorders (recovered) and pregnancy…


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Probably not getting to any advice today ( even if I’m online )… off to work in a few… the plan is to sleep the rest of the day away after that until tomorrow.

Ever have one of those mornings where everything falls apart the SECOND you wake up?

(Source: recoveryisbeautiful)